Realising recently that I have to travel my own 'diet path' and let others travel theirs. But I am beyond hating myself and starving myself. Hearing the way some people talk about themselves, the negativity and fat shaming and calorie restriction (not talking 5:2 here, but constant 1000cal days) makes me so sad.
I don't want to be obese anymore, but I want to be healthy and strong and to like myself and feel proud of myself. I will not pass on the self-loathing that I had as a child to my own children. You only get one body, one life, it's too short to constantly hate and curse yourself. A lady from my Slimming World class, who was only 47, died in her sleep a couple of days ago, possibly a heart attack. So unbelievably sad. Death can come at any time, being alive is unbelievably special and we should make the most of it and love ourselves.
Feeling very loved up and soppy. All signs point to me being very very lucky. I have started to question more and more now my sexuality, it's not that I don't think that I'm bisexual exactly, because I do find men physically attractive. But I just don't connect with them on the same level as I do with women, or at least I've never met a man who I have connected with that deeply. I've been at my happiest with women always. Or maybe I'm just very lucky that I meet amazing women, friends and girlfriends.
Medication is a beautiful thing. I only wish I'd done it sooner, but when you're in the black hole you don't believe that it can be fixed.
The feelings started to creep back and now, after only a few days of 100mg I feel hopeful again, happy, the sun is shining too which helps.
I have my plan for the future. Do the intensive driving lesson next month and get my licence, lose enough weight to qualify for insemination and then get pregnant before I'm 32. Still don't know exactly how I'll choose a donor yet, whether from the clinic or someone I know.
I can't quite believe that Lewis did what he did, but whatever. I'm better off alone than with somebody I can't rely on. I'll always love Amy. She's the love of my life and someone else will need to be pretty special to get me interested again but we'll see.
In the meantime, plodding forwards, there's no other direction to go. Summer is coming and I have my health, a plan, a future. I don't believe right now that that future will involve love, my true love is with somebody else now, but I have to prove to myself that I can be me on my own.
I spent so much time with Amy believing that I wasn't good enough for her. I need to start believing in myself. I've made it this far. I'm also separating my relationships from my reproduction, I can find love at 50, but I can't have babies then.
I wish I could rewind 6 months, stop this whole mess. But I can't. So I just have to clean it up.
Jasper still at the vets, yesterday morning he agreed to eat some fish so they've given him an extra day to see how that develops but he hasn't eaten anything else since so I'm waiting on the call from the vets this afternoon to discuss what they recommend based on his next blood tests. I don't think it's going to be a positive result, I keep resigning myself to what's going to happen but then it goes on a little longer, I try not to get my hopes up but it's hard.
One good thing is that Amy arrives back today from Dublin so at least she can go and visit him and say goodbye if that's what it's going to be.
Jasper is sick on a drip at the vets, kidneys possibly failing. Can't take this on top of everything else. Worst year, worst Christmas if not ever, then in a long long time. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in spring. Or maybe not as I would then be 31. Fuck all of this shit.And Polly wouldn't eat her breakfast this morning either so I don't know if she's sickening for something too.Even just financially I can take this at the moment. Another emergency vet trip will break the bank.
Oh and add to that, horrendously painful period just starting which is shit in itself but also confirms that I am yet again not pregnant.