Medication is a beautiful thing. I only wish I'd done it sooner, but when you're in the black hole you don't believe that it can be fixed.
The feelings started to creep back and now, after only a few days of 100mg I feel hopeful again, happy, the sun is shining too which helps.
I have my plan for the future. Do the intensive driving lesson next month and get my licence, lose enough weight to qualify for insemination and then get pregnant before I'm 32. Still don't know exactly how I'll choose a donor yet, whether from the clinic or someone I know.
I can't quite believe that Lewis did what he did, but whatever. I'm better off alone than with somebody I can't rely on. I'll always love Amy. She's the love of my life and someone else will need to be pretty special to get me interested again but we'll see.
In the meantime, plodding forwards, there's no other direction to go. Summer is coming and I have my health, a plan, a future. I don't believe right now that that future will involve love, my true love is with somebody else now, but I have to prove to myself that I can be me on my own.
I spent so much time with Amy believing that I wasn't good enough for her. I need to start believing in myself. I've made it this far. I'm also separating my relationships from my reproduction, I can find love at 50, but I can't have babies then.
I wish I could rewind 6 months, stop this whole mess. But I can't. So I just have to clean it up.